Day One

Today I embark on the next chapter of my life.

Heartache, disappointment and betrayal got me here, but those same things also empowered me and gave me strength. I cannot tell you how alive I feel right now and because of that I can work my way through the pain. I feel as though I have been given a new lease on life, that suddenly I see everything so much clearer. I now understand how strong I am and how capable I am of making tough decisions because they are what's best for ME, and I also know that feeling like this is not selfish.

I learned so much about myself this past year. I learned that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends, and to not want to be in close proximity to that kind of love and support is not normal. That is not to say, that wandering is all bad, because it is not, I have done plenty of it. But what does it say about a grown human being that leaves everything they know, family, friends, love and support?? Relationships are about experiences and face to face time. Its easy to communicate with people in this modern world, but connection is a different story. No matter how often I emailed, or phoned or blogged from far away it was never the same a being in the same room with a person, or sharing a meal or taking a walk or the millions of other things you can't do on a DSL line. All of that human contact is so important, I see that now.

I also learned, and will continue to learn about compromise - by definition compromise means: Something that combines qualities or elements of different things. Well, when only one person has to make changes and the other gets to do only what they want and need, then this is not compromise, its taking advantage. I made all my own choices, I chose to move 1200 miles away, I chose to quit a great job, I chose to walk away from all of my family and friends. I did all this because I thought that by compromising all of the things that were important to me that my partner would do the same and that in turn we would grow an even better life together. It only works if both people are willing to make the sacrifices. Unfortunately for me, I made sacrifices, compromised myself and did not receive the same in return. What a tough but valuable lesson to learn.

Yes, this whole thing sucks and I would never choose to have this experience, but I know its happening for a reason. I can't tell you what that reason is just yet, but if all I get out of this is the realization that I am strong and I am loved and I deserve everything I want out of life, then I start the process of healing and moving on. What more could I ask for?